tearonthefire: (me)
[personal profile] tearonthefire
I've spent the past 5 years trying to heal and discover myself, avoiding romantic relationships and hoping that I could understand why I kept choosing partners who would hurt and use me.

I thought that now, finally, I might have come to some realization and grown beyond the girl I was. I thought I might have matured and was ready to find a best friend to spend the rest of my life with.

But nothing has changed. I still seek to comfort the hurt. To love the injured. To heal the wounds inflicted by others.

I've discovered the horrible truth about my inner being. A wave of miserable epiphany washing over me in the darkened silence of my car's headlights.

I want to martyr myself. Not in some worthless religious way but to the life and happiness of another. I want to prove the full depth and breath of my love for someone by sacrificing everything to them.

By giving up to them every piece myself, casting off and forsaking my desires, my hopes, my wants. I want to become everything they've ever wanted, give to them everything they've never received.

I have little to offer and no means to bring about my promises. I'm trapped withing an unfulfillable fairytale that I've created out of the ashes of my father's expectations.

I fear I will never escape, that I will never heal, that my wounds will forever sting. That I will hold another's precious something so carefully in my hands, protecting it from the horrible memories. All the while leaving my heart to lay naked in the jagged edges of my soul.
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tearonthefire

February 2014

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