tearonthefire: (me)
[personal profile] tearonthefire
For a very brief moment, I thought I would get everything I wanted, with a woman that I'll call Tara. Everyone who knows me will know who I'm referencing. Tara was a lonely suppressed, oppressed, and sexually abused housewife. It's sometimes said joking and then dismissed vehemently that gay woman like to steal lonely housewives away from their husbands. Well we do. Realistically how can anyone assume someone will stay with them if they don't give them attention and stimulation. It's not a gay thing, it's a human thing. On top of that I firmly believe that all women are bisexual shading into homosexual and that the term, 'straight woman', is a contradiction.

Tara was sweat and smart and playful and she had a child, everything I'd dreamt about since I was 3. But she was also heavily conditioned and seriously damaged. She told me some of the terrible stuff that was inflicted upon her, one of which was that her father had sold her to someone as a gift for his son. I'm not sure if this was true but the fact that she would say it, is very telling. She spoke of endless abuse, all of which was being continued by her husband. And I found out latter that she was reaching out to men on the internet for comfort and support, which she traded for cybersex.

Then I came along and I wanted nothing in exchange for my support and caring. It sometimes baffles me how little women support one another in the real world. Not only did Tara speak of not just a lack of support from women but a complete absence of them altogether, something my step sister has also made some comments about as well. It doesn't however surprise me that men would take any opportunity to get any kind of sex for any kind of gesture. Tara tragically was programed to feel that she needed men for validation, support, and self worth. She had no idea how to deal with someone like me, which in the end was part of the reason we failed.

We just began as two anonymous people on IRC, sharing stuff around and facilitating for others. I'm not sure how we went from that, to talking about serious issues but when she revealed her pain, all I wanted to do was take it away. The level of of hurt and suffering she seemed to be enduring would be artistic if it wasn't being inflicted on a person. I offered her everything, to move to were she lived, to give her money, facilitate support, anything. In an attempt to keep her away from me, her husband moved them to the middle of no where but just before he did we hadn't actually became romantic toward one another, it was just support and caring. But I was giving Tara things her husband recognized as a threat to his dominance over her. It also didn't help that their son bonded to me in a very big way.

It's ironic that it was the husband's behaviour that pushed us closer together, his obstinance and disgusting behaviour made Tara a real person to me and made me ever more attractive to her. Their was a night just before she moved away that we kissed and it felt wonderful to both of us. That stayed in Tara's mind when he moved them into isolation and in isolation the only resent good memory was of our kiss. She began writing me love letters, the only love letters I've ever received, telling me of her isolation and loneliness and all the evil things her husband was doing to her. I felt ever increasingly terrible with each contact and more and more desperate to help her. Eventually I came to the point were I decided Tara needed me more then I needed anything in my life and I left my job, my apartment, and I left Natalie as she was back with me from one of her many 'breaks'.

I pushed her husband out of the picture and completely took over, and I was having very pleasant evil thought about the whole thing. I actually sang 'Move it on Over' on the way to her. It took only hours for Tara to begin acting like a real person with a real future. Her health improved, she lost weight, she was going out shopping and dinning with me. I took her back to Ottawa to visit all the people she had spoken to on the internet. And the best thing of all, the greatest thing that I loved shoving in her idiotic abusive husband's face at every chance I got; I shoed her how to enjoy sex. Orgasm for men is simplistic, it's a point and shoot interface. For some women they have to learn how to climax or maybe they need to unblock themselves to allow it to happen. Either way Tara's sexual self awakened.

And ironically it was a minor contention between us. It seems that I use the word ironic far to often when speaking of my life but my life seems to be filled with irony. My sex drive had been tanked by antidepressants forcibly shoved down my throat as a developing teenager by my mother, my repeated failures with Natalie, and the abuse I suffered from a woman who doesn't even deserve a pseudonym. Tara thought she'd be getting a sexually vibrant lover but it was my first failure to her. With her I developed my pension for one sided love making, which unfortunately wasn't as satiating for her as it was for unnamed woman. Tara needed me to be as engaged as she was but I had difficulty matching her level even though I truly wanted to. Everything seemed to start fall apart from there.

When I brought her back to Ottawa we took a lot of midnight walks, we were both insomniacs, and she revealed more and more of her life to me. Including a somewhat sudo-sexual long term relationship with her female best friend. I thought the relationship was important, she didn't. On one of these walks she told me that she was almost certain that she was going to hell. I didn't even need to think of my response.

I'd stopped giving into the bullshit of religion when I was 11, by 13 I was poking fun at the 'Jesus of Nazerus' movie in religion class and telling the teacher that I didn't think I had a bone named blasphemer. Hell however became an embodied if not real place when I saw a certain scene in 'Event Horizon' and in my early 20s I taught hell could possibly be a self perpetuating place that the energy of ones mind would go when you died. By the time Tara and I were together the only thing that was left, was years of judeo-catholic fear priming. I may not have really believed that hell existed but I really did fear it.

I needed to frame my instinctual response to her because it was a real genuine desire and not just an empty statement. I told her 'if I have any place, in any kind of heaven and it's possible for me to, I want you to have it'. When she asked me why I would ever want to do such and thing, I told her it was because I thought she had suffered enough during her life and that I would take on any more misery that she was going to endure. And I well and truly wanted it to be true.

Then the husband filed for custody and I feel certain that Tara then began sabotaging herself. The judge didn't exactly rule against her but he ordered them both to reconciliation or face having their son taken from both their custodies. Despite the lawyer offering pro bono on any further curt work, Tara gave into everything her husband demanded. She told me that she feared he would take him to the US and that she'd never see her son again. She was again shoved into isolation and she forbade me to go out to see her or to help her in any way. Her letters continued but they were full of longing and descriptions of the renewed and redoubled abuse she was suffering. Her letters were as close to anti-love letters as one could imagine, not that they were making me unlove her but they were as miserable as the others were joyous.

For a while we continued to speak but it would just dissolved into bickering, then into arguing. But my heart was well and truly crushed when our mutual friend who was also my ex boyfriend went out to see her. Tara told me almost immediately afterwards that they had, had sex. I questioned another one of our friends about things and found out she had started doing cybersex again but this time with the friends I had introduced her to. She accused me of being immature for telling our friend, who I found out she was engaged in intense, almost cybersex, flirting with, that she had sex with another one of the group. I just left the internet group that I had help start and had spent 10 years of my life with. Friends I had grown up with since intermediate school became solely hers.

And for not being able to support her, for not being able to save her, for not being what she needed, I stayed miserable. I'd remind myself of everything that had happened and of ever opportunity I could have taken to help us. I thought of all her beautiful words and how they meant nothing in the after math. I refused to forgive myself for not saving her.

I got back together with Natalie as I really didn't have the strength to stay away from her and either she had planned from the beginning to do the following or it was just a sick twist of fate, that she left me for a man and a very unattractive and uninteresting man at that. I spent the following years just being miserable and punishing myself for what had happened and it took me years to even move the littlest bit past total self recrimination.

I had thought that Tara was the only person I had ever really loved or had ever really loved me but that belief began to fade over the years and now that I realize how misshapen my heart actually is, I wonder if I ever really loved her at all or if I'm just trapped in a Harley Quinn complex.
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tearonthefire

February 2014

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