Feb. 10th, 2013

tearonthefire: (Taarna)
I'm laying in bed suffering from a massive anxiety spell, I don't call them attacks any more, mostly due to my mother dis-empowering comments of what an anxiety attack really is. The primary reason I'm in this state is due to my medication wearing off and not being able to take another dose for about 6 or 7 hours. But there's more to it then that.

I have a lot of stuff happening and waiting to happen in my life and it's getting to me. And again that's also not it. For the first time in years I feel like my life has been jump started and I'm not where I wanted to be at this age. I haven't achieved all the things I wanted and I feel like I'm now handicapped by my age to do them. I had a whole list of goals that I need to meet by the age 30 but now 2 years later I haven't reach any of them. And on top of that, I'm directionless. Aside from a few concrete things that must absolutely happen within the next year, I don't know what to do with myself.

I just keep thinking about the hole I dug myself into and how hard it's going to be to climb out. I think about the frankly wonderful changes to come and worry that I wont be able to enjoy them. And wost of all I think about the people around me.

I am a terrible judge of character. I could be having tea with a neo-nazi and not figure it out until he says something blatant. I meet people, who to others, are obviously jerks and I don't see it. Or worse I make up justifications for them being the way they are. I'm incapable of most of the societal norms others take for granted. I don't know I'm being used until it's way past the point of embarrassment nor can I really tell when I'm being dismissed. People who take an interest in me, especially a romantic interest in me, might as well be singling a brick wall. I just don't get it. In the romance department I just wish people would be blatant with me, I've been single a lot of times when I didn't have to be. But then again I can't trust myself not to hook up with a mess and try to be all nightingale with them. It's basically been my norm since I was a teen.

I think worst of all is my relationship with my parent. I've never had a good relationship with either my mother of father but somehow my mother has always managed to convince me to come back to her. My dad at least was a disgusting, womanizing, narcissistic, idiot whom was easy to disconnect from. Every good moment with my father was always tainted by something, less than pleasant. But even that took me 24 years to figure out.

I refer to my mother as my parent because she is only my mother in the very broadest sense of the word. I'm not sure what my mother thought we were to her when we were young, we being my sister and myself. She seemed to forget that she had kids until it inconveniently came to mind. I was ignored for the most part, sent off to my room to watch TV alone because I was making too much noise for her to watch hers. She never once read to me, never told me stories, and I don't ever remember being tucked in, just sent to bed. We went days without really talking much to one another and just sat in front of our respective TVs.

Her quest for companionship was beyond disruptive as well. By age 5 I was pretty sure that all arguing involved something being thrown or broken.

There was a point were the majority of my contact with my mother was made when she threatened to punish me if I didn't rub her back. Discussions of most things never happened unless they were something that interested her, like Star Trek, which seemed to be our only commonality.

She'll be quick to point out how we went for picnics or just went to the park but they didn't happen as often as she would like to claim. It might have been more true at a very young age but by 6 or 7 that was very rare. Actually she often brings up her actions from when I was a baby and talks about how that time is supposed to be the most important but at an older age, hugs were rare.

And nothing has changed till now. Now she wants hug or says 'I love you' but that has more to do with herself then with me. I'm not sure I can accurately analyze her motivation but my guess would be that she wants some kind of conformation from me. But the truth is, I don't love her. Not even a little. She's my mother and for the most part I try to deal with that fact not calibrate it. She's utterly dismissive of everything in my life, completely incapable of nurturing, and she doesn't even seem to know what the concept of being encouraging is.

I bring up all the problems I have with our relationship and her reply is that I'm an adult now and shouldn't need my mother any more. I never had a mother, I barely had a caregiver. When I bring up that mothers are always supposed to me your mother and how everyone else I know still has a mother/child relationship with theirs, her reply is typically one of incapability to be that kind of person and why can't we just be friends. The problem with that is, I don't like my mother. If we worked in the same office I'd avoid her and when she inevitably tried to force her friendship on me, I'd dismiss her utterly. If we weren't related I'd never tolerate her.

And that's the sad realization I'm coming to. The medication I'm now on reduces my ability to deal with her effectively and reduces my ability to shield myself from her dismissive and thoughtless nature. The medication makes me defenceless against the incidental actions of others and makes me far too accommodating to survive the majority of the members of my family. Off the meds I would usually just make a snide comment at her manipulating me into fixing her computer, or my grandmothers, or give her advice on her friends comps but on it I just feel used. I feel compelled to lie and tell her that her meals are fine, which they're not, and that would be fine if she didn't know I was lying or look for praising every hour. Eventually when I do admit I didn't like it, she attacks me.

Off the meds I would just ignore her self centeredness but on them I just think about how much I give. She seems to think that giving me money should somehow equal my emotional contribution. It doesn't and she knows I'd rather starve then take money from someone I didn't like. All I have ever wanted from her since I was a child was to be treated like her child and it's the thing I have never felt. My step-father does more parent/child stuff for me then she does. My mother divorced herself from her emotional responsibilities to me in my childhood and it doesn't seem like she is intent or capable of picking them up now.

The comparisons to my sisters in that regard are another thing that harms me. They give her an amazingly long rope for her to hang herself with, except for my oldest younger sister who keeps her on a very short leash. They have never made my life easier with our mother. I spent years hearing them complain over the same things I complained about but then turn around and refute those complaints to mother, it's the biggest reason I dislike one of my sisters so much. It was, in the past, a constant comment to me. Why couldn't I just accept her like the other kids do.

The reason is, I get it worse. I have always done more for our mother, I've always been more available to her, and I've let her get away with far more. In return she feels she has the right to be less 'on her best behaviour' around me. I'm also the idiot child who has never been able to make her own decisions or is in need of constant guidance so I don't screw up my life. I am almost entirely sure my mother believes that I need her guidance, delivered through manipulation and out right lies.

She really doesn't like anything about me and is constantly trying to change who I am. I was on a drug a while ago that made me feel horrible, I hated myself on it but she wanted me on it because it made me more likeable and more tolerant of her. It did almost all the things this mediation does except it shredded my brain. For my mother it was more important that she, first of all, and others liked me more. How I felt for myself was secondary. She fights and argues with me other things she doesn't even believe in so that I'll be more agreeable to others. And it's not the typical parental rhetoric she spouts, it's endless and pervasive until I jut can't stand it any more.

At every level of my life or my personalty she grinds me down like I'm a stranger she's trying to manipulate into giving her something. She has spent weeks using fear and intimidation to get me not to do something she didn't want. She often minimalizes me in an attempt to dissuade me of or invalidate my feelings for others. She makes enormous strides to disqualify me of any kind of judgement. And she constantly attempts to disempower me of my right not to associate with those who have hurt me.

It's never about me; It's always what she wants for me, it's how something I've done effects others perception of her, it's the perfect little world she wants to exist, it's what she thinks it the right thing to do, it's about me fitting into the mold of the child she always wanted no mater the emotion cost, it's about how this post makes her feel not what I'm feeling.


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