Aug. 2nd, 2013

tearonthefire: (me)
It been a week since I came to a realization and it's taken me that long to develop enough emotional distance to write more then a 3am tear filled block poem. I realized that I will never truly love another person.

This is actually a two fold failure on my part. If I were to take my heart's impulsion towards love; that is to martyr myself for my lover, to abandon my whole identity and become everything for them so that they may fully heal, and embrace it fully, I'd find myself unable to completely subvert my psyche nor be able to fully heal them and therefore I wouldn't be able to prove my love fully. I would forever be disappointed in myself and frustrated in the lack of recovery.

But so to, if I accept my revelation and accept the fact that after 5 years I still fall into the same traps I did when I was young. And if I accept my realization that my heart will never settle for anything less then total surrender, a search for love even if I bare in mind my own deficiency will never fulfil my emotional desires.

One might say that a comfortable relationship, with realistic expectations could even partially fulfil my need for companions. They would of course be right but with a critical point of failure. Even if I was happy and content, my heart would still drift to the injured and I would betray my lover for the slim hope that could save some from their misery.

It's hard to decide what to do next. Knowing that if I open myself up to emotional codepedence, which is the epitome of love, I also open myself up to the vulnerability of mertyrdom. But then if I protect myself from becoming to involved, what does that leave me? Some moderately deep friendships with the occasional interlude of sex? Would I be happy with that? Would I be able to get what I physically need from my friends with also making commitments? Would I destroy those friendships by have the occasional sexual fling with them? And if not, would I be satisfied with one night stands or shallow, disposable, sexually based relationships.

I really don't know if I can. I need more then a physical connection with a sex partner and I need more then just emotion connections with people. Although my sex drive would be considered low, physical intimacy is a necessity for my well being. After 5 years, I feel utterly disconnected from that special part of myself that even bad relationships touched. I feel barren, devoid of light, inadequate, and even helpless.

How can I move forward? Not just from my new found emotional inadequacies but from my self imposed celibacy too. I don't know that I can. Nor do I think I can continue with this disconnected lifestyle.

I feel doomed to slowly erroded the already thinning barries of my sanity. I'm noticing the rising waters of my emotional stability and I'm not sure how long I'll have before I drown.

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tearonthefire

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