tearonthefire: (Taarna)
[personal profile] tearonthefire
About a week ago, I was faced with an uncomfortable conclusion based upon an interesting reaction I had. I was sitting at a table in a casino buffet feeling very happy. Very, very happy. Euphoric in-fact. I was feeling better than I've had in months. Better than I've ever felt after sex. My imitate conclusion to this state of intoxicating inebriation was that I was a food addict.

Did I mention it was better than sex? I think that's important to this whole section of the rant. Much better than sex. Den of lust, better than sex. Brown mayo oozing out the side of a fried spam sandwich better.

I waxed on about this to my dining companions, one of whom was an addict. I found the addict's reaction somewhat, disturbing and I think disturbing would be an apt description. She seemed somewhat elated that I might also be an addict myself, either because I would understand their point of view or give them someone to suffer with. Either way a question I brought up seemed to convince us both that I really wasn't addicted to food. 'Can one be addicted to something without being compelled to consume/use that something?' There is a whole list of things I do that could be described as addictive behaviour.

The seemingly most blaring example would be my desire to have a bottle of vodka in my fridge at all times. I'm never without one, if I run out I restock within a few days. But, I almost never drink. Every few weeks, or even a few months, I might get on a ging and drink a few drinks for a few days but then I just stop and have no real desire to drink anymore. But again, I have that bottle in my fridge at all times.

One might also say that my desire for pot is an addiction but again I haven't had any for more than five years. That doesn't mean I don't desire it, I love pot. It's a mellowing, relaxing, warm bath without needing to get wet. It's a few hours of doing absolutely nothing and loving it to the extreme and I'm a bitch that loves nothing. Zen meditation to me is that moment just before you wake up and you're suspended in this cocoon of nothingness while still being aware of yourself and your surroundings. Pot does that on demand and without the need to be tired hours beforehand. But am I addicted to it? I can at any time go out and buy enough for a nice few days vacation but I don't, mostly because I can never be sure of its quality or what some jerk has sprayed on it.

I've never showed any signs of dependency toward anything in my life. I used to go to parties where drugs and boos flowed like any teenage party and while I did partake during most of those times I never felt the desire to continue the next morning. Even coke did very little for me. I've been told by many users before and since how addictive and enslaving it is. I didn't feel either at all. The three times I tried it, I didn't even feel the 'high' other people have described. All I did on it was sit in the middle of the room philosophizing about human/ape crossbreeds and how I'd refuse to wear school uniforms, because they violated my rights man! I've been told it makes you narcissistic, I just felt introspective. The one time I smoked crack, it did something I didn't like but I can't smoke cigarettes either so that may not be indicative of anything.

E was another drug that didn't do much for me. It didn't make me hyper and free spirited like it supposedly does everyone else. For the most part I felt like I was having a mildly severe panic attack. I've since wondered how good it'd be as a weight loss drug but I'm not sure I want to attempt that, I's gots meself enough trouble with the anxieties I gots now.

All that being said I've never tried or wanted to try the heavy shit like morphine or opium despite being offered, I can't even really take oxycodone. Oxy like E makes me anxious and uncomfortable with the added effect of an unpleasant high feeling.

I soon concluded, as did my addict dining companion, that I was not a food addict. I've been dieting for months, to lose weight for a surgery, and my reaction was likely a result of a very restricted sugar intake. I could compare it to seeing an old friend, wonderful for the first little while but their company gets old after a short time. The next day I was back on my diet and even the day of the buffet indulgence I wasn't that much over my calories for the day. I've since indulged in some sugar every now and then, I figured that if it gave me such a feeling of happiness I should grab a slice of pie or a doughnut every few days or so. I still try to incorporate it into my diet plan and lower my other carb intakes to compensate. Alas my tolerance for raw sugar is greatly lowered, so i don't really enjoy it all that much.

I'm afraid I just don't understand addiction or anything connected to it. For the most part I not so secretly think it's a matter of self control. That belief is somewhat dissipated by the fact that I seem not to have any addictive traits what so ever but then I met a whole host of social users that can take it or leave it without any ill effects. Some addicts have told me that these people are just waiting for the crash where their lives turn into the complete hell hole theirs are. It's never happened. And those social users seem to delight not indulging for long periods, just to prove a point. If I had access to high quality marijuana, I'd do the exact same thing. In fact there are those who've said it's the Adderall I'm taking that's letting me loose weight and I've done exactly what I've said I'd do, I stopped taking it to prove the point that it's not.

I admit, I'm a cynical bitch who wouldn't believe the sky was blue unless there was a stack of studies to prove such. By the way the sky isn't blue, it's black. The blue is an optical illusion caused by the light particles being slowed by the atmosphere shifting the wavelength into the 450 to 500 nanometre range. Ya, I'm that kinda bitch. As such, any and all claims made by 'the observer', in this case someone with an addiction, are immediately disregarded and I tend to gravitate toward the hard science. And before I hear any nonsense, the reactions of a heroin addict's brain as observed in an fMRI are almost identical to those observed in someone whose just hungry. And when I say almost, I mean that the differences that are observed are also found in identical case studies, meaning it's the physiological dissimilarities in individuals.

The most recent 'drug use' type thing I've experienced is consuming caffeine with Adderall. Because I'm autism spectrum Adderall, an amphetamine, has the opposite affect on me then it would on a neurologically normative, boring, person. It sedates me, except when I drink caffeine with it. The combination turns me into mighty mouse. I feel completely normal but I get back all the former hyperness I experienced when I was younger. It was wonderful, I's gots me's an enormous amount of works done but, and major but here, I realized that after three days I didn't feel like sleeping. I didn't exactly feel tired, I still felt the desire to keep going but I felt very run down. Still it was a great feeling to be able to be productive and sharper, mentally, then I've been lately and I do plan on experimenting with it now that i know more. Unfortunately I don't have a lot to say on that front right now, it was an accidental realization that brought the combination to my attention and I haven't felt up to replicating it recently but I will sooner or later.

I feel I should disclaimer a bit here. I'm not advocating drug use, although I will sign a petition to legalize marijuana, and I know there are some people who simply can not handle such things. Those same people would have others believe that the reaction is universal, it's most defiantly not. Not everyone will be hooked on one puff or snort but no one really has any advice on how to determine if you will become dependent on whatever substance you're experimenting with. For all intents and purposes I should be susceptible to addiction but I'm not, one of the reasons I'm suspicious of such claims, and I can't say why. I am just, who I am; slightly hippie-ish and open to new experiences. It could be that I have nothing to hide myself from, it could be that I'm happy with who I am, or it could be a hundred million other things.

What I can say is that when I thought my reaction in the buffet was addiction, I hated it. I didn't want to know that I was a food addict but when I realized that I was just enjoying my food, I've literally never denied myself a food I wanted before, I felt okay with the reaction. Maybe that's it, I have full control over my wants and desires. That's exactly what I hate and what I think is wrong with the anonymous programs, the requirement to admit powerlessness of something. I'll admit to being a glutton, my whole being and life is geared toward enjoyment. Until recently I've only eaten good food, only worked at 'fun' place until they became not fun, and I only ever experience unhappiness or despair when I can't get what I want. I am, I think, a glutton for good life and novel experiences.

A state of being I'd recommend to anyone. LONG LIVE HEDONISM!

P.S. To those who know me, I don't want a lot of questions about my experimentation.


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February 2014

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